• Reddit
• Cara
• X
• Bluesky
• Pixiv
• Email
• VGen

Exile

For editing gigs reach out on my discord (exile_152)
For art related gigs reach out on my Vgen (green button)

“Your points are all very valid, you’re clearly very experienced with this kind of thing.”
“You’d make a hell of a career in being an editor.”
— GonLikePoof (discord)

[WRITER]
Exhausted, he collapsed to the floor, helpless. The already weakened family stood like a skyscraper. To the distant eye, powerful, soaring. But once you get closer, and root out its foundations, the rest simply collapses.[EDITOR]
— Who is he? I don’t know who he is. Consider me as a new reader (as I am) again we’ve been floating all this time, just say what he is, is he a soldier, the king, an enemy, a commoner, I don’t know who he is and what side I’m on
— Skyscraper. So we are at least late victorian, gotcha
— The simile switches logic midway, first it’s “looks strong from afar, weak up close,” then it becomes “hit the foundation and it falls.” “Get closer” belongs to the first idea, “root out its foundations” to the second. I get lost the moment I finish it even though nothing is complex in language
— Telling is not wrong, but I expect someone in war to be feeling exhausted and/or helpless, again not wrong to tell an emotion, but since its expected, I think showing might be a better fit, not that its bad here, its quite fine
— Collapse appears two times, could be an intentional echo, so I’ll leave it as is